mousemag.net - Article 1

I was walking through Plazita Olvera when my train at L.A. union station was delayed by 2 hours. I passed an apron that said “I didn't ask to be born Mexican, I just got lucky.”

My friends joke about how I only roll 1’s and 20’s in my playthrough of this Role Playing Game we call life. I think being born into a Hispanic home was an example of me being lucky. Though I've dealt with my share of microaggressions (“You're pretty smart for a Hispanic!”), I was a product of living in Southern California as a white passing girl.

“This band is different.

No–

This genre is different.”

I wanted more.

Marietta shirt in the “Modern Baseball - ‘Rock Bottom’ (Official Music Video).” YouTube, September 22, 2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRpN9ZxNf9M.

I cannot speak about my love for music without acknowledging my emotional and spiritual experiences as they have always been so intertwined. My catholic-to-non-denominational-to-baptist family was taught to weaponize a religion I genuinely loved and respected at the time. Authority figures wanted me to use their God to fix the problems they created, however, and this caused a great rift between me and my emotional and spiritual well-being. Up until this point, I couldn’t properly phrase my frustrations. I was thankful my family wanted me to get into heaven. I felt loved. This version of me they loved wasn't genuine. That version of myself would be someone they believed deserved to go to Hell.

music and spirituality have always intertwined for me: This is a photo of me on a worship team I played with for many years

Of all of the things I prayed about, I would say two action items for the big guy upstairs were most common: 1) take away my love for women, 2) take away my love for “devil music” (“Devil” Music was anything that wasn’t written with the purpose to serve The Great and Wonderful Lord.) As it turns out, growing up being ashamed of some of my defining traits led to residual guilt, shame, sadness, and distaste for the things that I genuinely love. It never goes away. I try my best to separate the two wolves fighting within me: the person I am who deserves to be loved, and the person I believe I need to be to receive love.

Midwest Emo was there for me when I prayed to the version of God my parents taught me, when I hated God, and when I redefined who I truly thought God was for me. It helped me uncover the parts of myself that I was too scared to admit were genuine. Midwest Emo is about feeling every emotion you feel, ranting about it, and having a good time while doing it. It is complex in its composition, with interesting time signatures, alternate guitar tunings, and wonderfully complex instrumentation. I later found the Midwest Emo scene to be full of some of the brightest and most talented people I’ve met in any musical genre, let alone an emo derivative.

boy clothes pictured at The Rigby Pub & Grill in Madison, Wisconson during Homiefest 3

I didn’t receive any diagnosis for neurodiversity until after I turned 18. Neurodivergence is underdiagnosed for both women and Hispanics, and I was no exception. I not only had to navigate through a lot of issues concerning poverty or abuse alone, but I had to do it without the tools or support I needed. I found that many members of the Midwest emo community are neurodivergent or have neurodivergent friends and it all made sense. Many of us craved more out of the art we grew up with, something more literal, self-aware, and honest. Midwest Emo looks different from other music I love, as it can paint such an abstract, full image that feels like it fills my entire head. The screaming and speaking of simple, cathartic lyrics allows me to have a sense of contrast from the rest of the carefully orchestrated composition. Even though the music was more complex it felt intuitive and easy to understand.

Midwest Emo songs get specific. A Midwesterner might be scared of their future because they are stuck in the same hometown with all of the people they’ve known their whole life, and they fear they may stay there for the rest of their lives. Yet even though I am not a white guy from the Midwest, I can relate to the sentiment. I always felt stuck. This sentiment transcends race, gender, religion, or societal class.

“I hate worrying about the future

‘Cause all my current problems are based around the past”

Live session of Modern Baseball Performing "Fine, Great"

“Modern Baseball - Fine, Great // Mr Blackbird Session.” YouTube, March 25, 2015. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYhffKUGGlQ.

Listening to Midwest Emo and going to shows gave me insight into the minds of others who think and feel like me. The best part is that the longer I am a part of the community, the more I realize how universal this experience is. I have Midwest emo friends in my city and some as far as Romania or Chile. We may not have the same religious views, gender identities, or even speak the same first language, but our love for music and community has brought us together.

Playlist of Midwest Emo from around the world

COMMENTS:

Thank you so much for your time and attention!

If you have anything you would like to add or if you have any questions, or if you have any music recommendations, leave a comment here ⬅️ (easiest way to join the community from wherever you are, right now (also sign the guestbook))

On the importance of art, honesty, and receiving mental health help:

Modern Baseball stopped releasing music years ago. They have been on an indefinite hiatus since February 21, 2017. The band posted the announcement with resources for those who may be struggling with mental illnesses or suicidal thoughts. Brendan Lukens had been open about the band not serving them well mentally. The band would not continue unless it became emotionally fulfilling.

This sentiment allowed me to gain the courage to seek mental health treatment in college. I debated losing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend a great university on a full-ride scholarship. I risked never going back to school if I lost my scholarship “just” to focus on my long-term mental health. I was stuck between two good things, and I had to get out.

Many Midwest Emo bands infamously break up when they are on the verge of greatness. Many are criticized. Modern baseball had the courage to end the project and be upfront about why. This made me feel like my mental health struggles were okay. The resources listed and redirection to receiving professional mental health might have saved my life. Having access to resources and openly sharing said resources has been important to me ever since (speaking of which, I have made a resource list right here!)

There are times when everyone is rejected or forgotten. You may feel excluded from a scene because nobody has made you feel welcome. Consider this your open invitation to allow your authentic self to connect with those who love the things you love. I've witnessed firsthand the beauty of transparency and honesty while songwriting, chatting on Discord, or waiting in line to enter a show. Art, friendships, adventures, projects– there is no way of knowing how far a community can grow with you until you tend to the garden of its members.

So feel your angst, but know it is temporary. Allow yourself to feel sorrow, worthlessness, and sulk in your adolescent misery– for a little, as a treat. Happiness only exists in hindsight sometimes, but it is good to continue the quest for joy. Be forgiving with yourself and take the time you need.

If you have been considering making music or art, or have made anything and don’t think it is good enough to release, release it. Have fun. Be honest with yourself. Every iteration of art is beautiful and to document art is to document a time-stamped state of mind.

REAL PHOTOs OF JOZ CIRCA 2015 COLORIZED, SHOT ON IPHONE

“But that's not even Midwest Emo Joz, Modern Baseball is from Philadelphia"

(yeah they're emo revival at best and indie-rock at worst)

Not even the Midwest Emo community can agree on what Midwest Emo really is. Some people call it “midwestern” emo instead of Midwest Emo, but we don’t trust them. A lot of the music isn’t Midwestern geographically, and how silly can a song become before it stops being emo? Some say it is only a style of music, others just a subculture. Some say you must be in the Midwest to produce it. I will not even begin the discussions regarding 2nd vs 4th wave emo, whether we can truly call 4th wave emo, and whether or not using 5th wave emo as a term is even valid yet, but these are discussions being had. Regardless of any specifications, Midwest Emo made me feel comfortable in my own emotions, even when I didn’t know why I felt them. Regardless, here are some playlists with some Midwest and not-so-Midwest Emo classics.

Practically every band I listen to is labeled as “indie rock/emo” on the internet, but few of them sound alike. One of my favorite artists is Daniel Johnston, who holds a similar place in my heart, and definitely does not make Midwest Emo. Genre isn't real.

(Side note- Daniel Johnston and Modern Baseball performed together before he passed, and I didn’t know they had even met until I had independently fallen in love with both projects, this world is so large but so small)

(Bonus 5th wave emo playlist)

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